REALITY TV CIRCUS

Supermodel/bitch Janice Dickinson was finally voted out of the jungle last night on I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here.

That’s probably better than the other fate she would have received, which is all of her castmates beating her scrawny ass for peeing all over the jungle where they walk in their bare feet. Or spitting wherever she pleased. Or just being Janice.

Whatever the case may be, you know. I’m kinda bummed Holly Montag was booted too, because she had a thing going with our jungle boy Sanjaya, or so we thought. And she was Heidi’s sister, but the word is that Speidi will be back for the finale next week.

Anyway, now it’s getting down to the nitty-gritty. Only one week remaining until the finale.

Left in the jungle to fight it out are six: Sanjaya the jungle boy, Stephen Baldwin the Jesus freak, John Salley, Lou Diamond Phillips, Rod Blagojevich’s wife Patti and Playboy playmate and WWE wrestler Torrie Wilson.

Phillips is the odds-on favorite to win it, with Sanjaya a close second. Wilson is the only hope among the females heading into the last week of the show. Who do you think will win?

Spencer and Heidi Pratt, or Speidi, are now gone from the Costa Rican jungle.

 In Heidi’s spot came Holly Montag, Heidi’s sister, who is whip-smart and thus far is the only one one capable of helping the women win a food challenge.

But now comes the news that Sanjaya and Holly may be a couple, making them Sanjolly. LOL We’ll see where this goes, but what do you think of the new jungle power couple? She does seem to like him.

Ah, ha, ha, ha… Janice Dickinson, that crazy hag/supermodel somehow got America to vote for her to stay in the Costa Rican jungle, and she wasn’t happy.

That’s what makes this so hilarious. I’d imagine America will keep voting for her every week so that they can make her life a living nightmare.

You know, the way she’s making everyone’s lives Hell on the show. So for Dickinson, what goes around comes around and so now she will have to deal with the people she’s stolen from.

And she’ll have to sleep on the ground she’s pissed on. Hopefully a giant rat crawls from beneath her cot and attacks her, leaving her a crumpled mess of silicone and fake skin.

Other than her irritating everyone, Daniel Baldwin was doing a good job of being a jerk, too, making idle threats to his competitors.

That worked out well for him; now he’s on his way back to the states after making himself look like an ass on national TV in the one week he stayed there.

Speidi is still in camp, but not officially invited back yet to the game as the suspense thickens on “I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!”

Lou Diamond Phillips is still the leader, though, after Sanjaya chickened out on eating some bull testicles.

And Daniel Baldwin is beginning to make his move on the competition by sending out little signals to the others that he’s not even started playing yet.

And Janice Dickinson is still getting on everyone else’s nerves, but Phillips managed to assign her to dish duty and she complied, so you gotta give Lou Diamond some ups for that!

And a decision has to be coming soon on Speidi, although rumor has it that there may be a new female in camp tonight and it may even be another person related to Speidi. We’ll see tonight.

Heidi Pratt has reportedly been hospitalized during filming of “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” today, according to TMZ.  

If you didn’t need another reason to hate Spencer and Heidi Pratt of The Hills, you are out of luck, because apparently sleeping in a fake dark room with fake bugs crawling all over doesn’t make it real enough.

Here’s the juicy details:

We’ve learned Heidi was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with a gastric ulcer, after being held with hubby Spencer Pratt in a dark room for a day and a night with only water, rice and beans. It was designed as punishment because they left the show. One cast member described their treatment this way — “It’s the same as Guantanamo Bay.”

We’re told some of the cast members want to quit, but their passports have been taken away and they are under guard.

Paul Telegdy, NBC’s Exec VP of Alternative Programming, told Ryan Seacrest about holding Heidi and Spencer in isolation as punishment, adding, “…They are now going to be examined, and their value system utterly deconstructed …These people really are going to bare their souls.”

LOLZ…NBC has confiscated their passports and tried to get Heidi to stay put. Talk about being under contract. God, it almost sounds like the celebrities are in the Mafia.

And I’d put all my money on Janice Dickinson being the one who spouted off about the show being like “Guantanamo Bay.”

And Spencer wants to sue the bejeezus out of NBC, apparently. Wow, this is just getting started. More when we have it.

We saw our first elimination tonight on “I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!” And Daniel Baldwin has joined the cast–or schlepped his way onto the set–giving the males another person. Yippee.

And it was Angela, one half of the famed “Frangela” comedy duo who was sent home by America. (She’s in the top left hand corner of the above photo for anyone who cares.)

Did America get it right? Hell no, they didn’t, but they did keep the person who is the most entertaining, other than Speidi.

That person is of course Janice Dickinson, who is ten eggs short of a dozen on a good day. On a bad day, she makes Brittaney Star of “Rock Of Love Bus” look like Mother Teresa. She’s already stealing other people’s shit, which means somebody is gonna choke a bitch.

Spencer and Heidi, they’re still in the jungle, uh, on set, trying to weasel their way back onto the “real” set so they can suck up more oxygen and leave the rest of the cast breathless–or filled with rage–in anticipation of killing Speidi and leaving both for dead in the Costa Rican rainforest.

It’s only obvious that the cast will allow Speidi to return to the show after the dimwitted duo quit twice so that they may know what to do with the bodies. It’s really the only way to send those two out on a proper note.

Seriously, though, I’m not advocating killing anyone. If they stay long enough in Costa Rica the various venomous animals will find a way to get to them.

So stay tuned, because you already know Spencer and Heidi will be making their triumphant return on Monday after spending a fake night in a fake building filled with props that look like dangerous animals and creepy bugs.

The whackjob duo of Speidi (that’s Spencer and Heidi of The Hills) quit, then didn’t quit and may have actually quit because the other celebrities were changing labels on their shampoo. Hehe.

That’s all? I would have poisoned their food, peed in their water and made their lives a living Hell, but that’s just me.

Sooooo…if they are returning to the jungle from their lavish digs in whatever hotel they have in Costa Rica, don’t expect a warm welcome tonight.

Listen to their little temper tantrums below again, for the first time (kind of):

First Spencer and Heidi Pratt (or Speidi) of The Hills quit the show once, then they came back. They returned last night and got the tribes food (two fish) by snagging stars around a bunch of creepy crawlies, like snakes and roaches inside some kind of dark building. It was hilarious!

I was hoping they’d get bit by something, but they didn’t. And then they quit again. Figures, right? But now comes the news from Ryan Seacrest that they may actually still be in Costa Rica and may be returning to the game show.

And that just tells you what people will do to keep these two knucklehead/Bible-toters in the competition. Personally, I hope they get eaten by something with poisonous fangs, but it probably won’t happen.

After watching Spencer “cleanse” himself by the hands of Stephen Baldwin, of all people, as he tried to rid himself of all his sins I realized that some people are just bad people. And then Spencer opened his big mouth, saying he’d rather make money than give it to charity. Watch the madness again for the first time:

But you know Speidi is coming back to the show. This is one publicity stunt they can’t pass up.

Now these two even have a music video out. What’s next, a line of dolls?

Spencer and Heidi Pratt should really be going to Hell for their sins, as evidenced last night on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

But this publicity stunt that the goons at NBC cooked up takes this whole thing too far. They’ve set up a fake arrival at LAX for Speidi. It’s obviously not real because nobody can see anything, other than the Suge Knight/Mr.T lookalikes blocking our view.

Has NBC gone too far with this? Or is it just an attempt to get ratings?

You voted and here are the results from the 1st Annual Reality TV Circus Awards.  

And the winners are…

Reality TV Circus Villain…Khalood Bojanowski of “Momma’s Boys.” Could there be any doubt? Come on, already! A racist…in this day and age…thinks it’s okay to say those kinds of things! Appalling!! I stopped watching the show because of her.

Reality TV Circus Comeback Story For The Ages…Brandi M. from “Rock Of Love Charm School.” When you think about how far down the gutter this girl went, into hardcore porn, and then to come back and become a “lady” (sort of) then you really have taken the trip from hell to heaven full-circle.

Reality TV Circus Whore…Pumkin from “Flavor Of Love Charm School.” To be kicked out of a so-called “Charm School,” where at least half of the women were, uh, promiscuous, you would have to be pretty slutty to win this title over say, Angelique, who does that kind of thing for a living.

Reality TV Circus Idiot …Bubbles from “Real Chance Of Love.” Okay, first of all, Bubbles is the Forrest Gump of reality TV. And even though Brian Kehoe is a complete moron, even he would have trouble staying up with Bubbles. Actually, if they bedded one another he would probably choke her in no time flat.

Reality TV Circus Hottie…Milf from “Real Chance Of Love.” I know what my stats say, people, and the NUMBER ONE MOST SEARCHED ITEM IS…(Da-da!) Milf from “Real Chance of Love.” Yes, I know there are people out there who are sick, but this is ridiculous. But you can’t argue with statistics.

Reality TV Circus Beefcake…Punk from “I Love New York 2.” This was a close race, and 12 Pack damned near won it, but in the end Punk’s brains and brawn were too much for the voters. That, and flipping the table over on Chance. That was just funny. The fact he’s been dating Jennifer Hudson probably didn’t hurt his cause, either.

Reality TV Circus Genius…The Entertainer from “I Love Money.” Who else would you vote for? The dude lives in his parent’s house, can’t play a guitar, yet conned millions of people to vote for him and believe he’s a star? What, are you kiddin’ me? Come on! (In thick NY accent)

Reality TV Circus Humanitarian…Real from “I Love Money & Real Chance Of Love.” He’s a nice guy, he’s funny and charming and he nearly won “I Love Money” over some pretty stiff competition. But in the end, he followed his heart, forgot about the money and went with his heart, which ultimately cost him a shot at the money.

Reality TV Circus Top Salesperson…Heather from various VH1 shows. The fact most people know her by her first name is a testament to her popularity. I’ve given it some thought and think it’s because she looks like every other person in your neighborhood. She may be annoying, but she’s in the back of your mind right now.

Reality TV Circus Best Actor goes to…Lacey from various VH1 shows. She is conniving, a Gemini, a redhead to boot and she is as mean as advertised. But she is also intelligent, a caring person and the side you see on TV is the side she chooses to show you. As you saw on Charm School she can show her other side…if she wants to.

Well, that’s all for the 2008 Reality TV Circus Awards. See you next year and thanks for voting!